JB: So hello, everyone. Welcome to “Doctor Who Gives A Fuck”. I’m calling the podcast that now. I took a little poll - and yeah, it was little. You can measure it if you want. Because this is no longer “WHO 37”. It’s going to be “Doctor Who Gives A Fuck”. And everyone who I polled was onboard except for Terry from the Dirty WHOers.
CHRIS: She had a good point, though.
JB: What was her point? I’m too drunk to remember now.
CHRIS: She was worried about alienating loyal listeners.
JB: Okay, let me explain the name of the podcast. It’s a declarative statement. It’s not a question. And as we seen from Jodie Whittaker’s video message to the world [regarding lockdown], Doctor Who does give a fuck.
SEAN: As long as we’re not like that one podcast, “The Doctor Who Bathroom Reader”, which was an insulting, terrible piece of shit.
CHRIS: That was an actual thing?
SEAN: Yeah, it was two or three guys. And we’re talking a long time ago. They were one of the first Doctor Who podcasts. But all they did was lambast the show and say how they hated other podcasts like “Podshock”, and this was back when “Podshock” was really good. But these guys were downright offensive. Not politically incorrect, but they put in a lot of fart sounds. And I do like fart jokes and dad jokes, but when you make that your secondary source of humor on a podcast? No. And they weren’t even funny. It was like listening to Rush Limbaugh talk about Doctor Who.
JB: Should we go ahead and do the game now?
SEAN: Sure.
JB: So this is like “The Game of Rassilon” where we kidnap various incarnations of Doctors and companions. I will randomly pick a story, and then I will randomly assign it to a different writer. I will then assign it to a random Doctor and companions. And then we will have a five minute conversation about what the story will be like. There’s 295 stories available. We’re only doing TV. We’re not doing Big Finish.
CHRIS: Thank god.
SEAN: So if you pick “The Three Doctors”, you’ll randomly pick three Doctors?
JB: Yes. So our first randomly picked story is … “Genesis of the Daleks”! But it is now going to be written by … Chris Chibnall.
CHRIS: Oh, fuck!
JB: Our Doctor is going to be … Matt Smith. There were two companions that were with the Doctor in that story. The first randomly-picked companion will be …
CHRIS: Ace! Ace!
JB: Nardole.
CHRIS: Oh, fuck off!
SEAN: This is horrible! This is terrible!
JB: And the second randomly-picked companion is … Ace.
CHRIS: Fuck! Now you give it to me?! I’m pretty sure she would kill Nardole in the first ten minutes of the episode.
SEAN: I was thinking the same thing. “Ah, ya bug eyes!”
CHRIS: Can we just assume he’s dead and go with it?
JB: He would probably join the mutoids, cause he’s kind of a mutant anyway. We’ll write him off in episode one. He gets killed off, or he joins the mutoids. Of course Matt Smith is going to deliver THE MESSAGE about the horrors of war straight to camera. And actually, IT WAS EARTH ALL ALONG! This wasn’t Skaro at all! The Kaleds are actually the Republicans, and the Thals are actually the Democrats!
CHRIS; Tories and Labour.
SEAN: I actually like this.
CHRIS: I gotta point out an obvious flaw. This is not sounding very Chibnall right now.
JB: Okay, so what is the Chibnall angle here?
CHRIS: I feel that someone has to be gay, and an old white man has to die.
JB: Well, they killed off Ronson. He was pretty old.
CHRIS: Who?
JB: Ronson. “THE THAL TRAITOR AND SPY!! RONSON!!”
SEAN: Is that one of the old guys in a white lab coat?
JB: Yes.
SEAN: And as for gay, we have Nyder. “Thank you! That’s what I wanted to know!”
CHRIS: Oh, yeah. The bootlicker sidekick.
SEAN: The Mike Pence of the episode. He and Davros…
CHRIS: Wait, can we sub in a Davros?
JB: Yeah, we can! Let me do a quick random pick. We’ve had four of them. Terry Malloy, Michael Wisher, Julian Beech, and the really crappy one.
SEAN: Oh, you’re good.
JB: Okay, it’s going to be … Julian Beech, the new series one.
SEAN: The angry screamy one.
CHRIS: The cry baby?
JB: The one that looks like the old guy in the Six Flags commercials.
SEAN: (laughs) Okay, so first episode, Nardole is the one who steps on a landmine and dies. Very sad.
CHRIS: Not that sad.
SEAN: The rest of the story goes exactly as the original, except for episode six where in the last ten minutes they reveal what JB just explained about the political parties and this is really Earth, “Planet of the Apes” style. SPOILERS for a movie that’s almost 50 years old! And, of course, you get your Matt Smith being a drunken giraffe…
CHRIS: …doing the “do I have the right” speech with the wires? Would he even have the wires? He’d probably be just bouncing down the room with the wire like a fucking firehose.
JB: “DO-I-HAVE-THE RIGHT?!” He’s genuflecting with Murray Gold music in the background.
SEAN: That would be a huge cliffhanger. I don’t remember if it was in the original story. I am not a big fan of the 11th Doctor. It makes me angry thinking about it.
JB: So what’s Ace’s role? She’s stuck with the Thals loading up the rocket. She would lead the revolution. She would’ve been hanging on the scaffolding at the end of episode two.
CHRIS: Except she’d probably repel down the side of the scaffolding waiving her baseball bat. It would be a little more action-packed, I would think.
JB: There would be plenty of blunt trauma.
SEAN: This is awful, but I don’t remember what Sarah Jane did in the episode except fall off that scaffolding.
JB: That’s basically it.
CHRIS: And she ran around in BDU pants.
SEAN: BDU pants?
CHRIS: The camouflage fatigue pants that soldiers wear.
SEAN: I’m not, as Chris Farley would say, “HIP TO THE LINGO!”
CHRIS: Sorry.
JB: And once she started wearing them, she had camo-toe.
CHRIS: (laughs)
JB: Thanks for the set-up.
CHRIS: Any time.
JB: Okay, our next randomly-picked story will be …“42”.
CHRIS: I like that one.
SEAN: That’s the one with the fire monster, right?
CHRIS: The sun is the bad guy.
SEAN: That is pretty good.
JB: Okay, it’s going to be written by … Neil Gaiman.
CHRIS: Ohh, it just got really good!
JB: And our Doctor will be … Christopher Eccleston.
CHRIS: Ohh, this is getting better by the minute!
SEAN: Yeah! I can actually see Eccleston in that episode.
JB: So who’s going to be our companion?
CHRIS: The companion was originally Martha, yes?
JB: Yeah. She will now be replaced by … Mickey.
CHRIS: DAMMIT!
SEAN: Oh that’s pretty fucking useless. That was looking pretty good.
JB: Well, Eccleston’s Doctor and Mickey didn’t get along well at all.
CHRIS: Yeah, but without Rose there, I think he’d just shoot him out the airlock.
JB: Yeah, well Martha got shot out of the air hatch in the story. But with Mickey, he would just look out the window and say, “Sorry, mate!”
CHRIS: “Ah, man! Mickey! Sorry, dude!”
SEAN: The original scene with Martha was really effective! It’s great for fans of ASMR because she tapping the window and it’s… (starts tapping on his microphone) … you just hear that. So Rose had a headache at the beginning, so she has to remain in the TARDIS attached to some sort of machine to cure her headache.
CHRIS: She gets “Tegan”ed.
JB: The delta wave … whatever it is.
SEAN: The convenient way to write out a character in a story because the actress has already been paid for too many episodes. So the Doctor has to go into this adventure with Mickey. And who’s the writer?
JB: Neil Gaiman. So it would actually be like “The Sun God”.
CHRIS: The star is actually going to be a whimsical elder god with an Elizabethan hat and accent or some shit. It’s going to be whimsical. Tim Burton is going to be involved as some fucking point.
SEAN: See, I like that! But that would be a two-parter that would need to be cut down to a one-parter.
CHRIS: So fuck Tim Burton.
SEAN: Yes, and fuck Neil Gaiman because we’re going to make it a lot more crappy than what he wrote so he looks like an idiot to people who don’t know who he is - like me!
CHRIS: Sean, are you not a Gaiman fan?
SEAN: I am not a Gaiman fan.
JB: Oh, oh! Grudge match! Here we go!
CHRIS: No, it’s okay. It’s okay.
SEAN: My only experience with Neil Gaiman has been Doctor Who, which is not fair to the man. I know that he’s a nerd icon. I have not seen “Coraline”, and people are like, “I love The Sandman!” I don’t read comics. I just can’t get into them.
CHRIS: I’m telling you. Read “American Gods”, and if that doesn’t do it for you, Neil Gaiman is not for you.
SEAN: Oh, I did see that show “Good Omens”.
CHRIS: That was him and Terry Pratchett.
SEAN: And the only thing I didn’t like about it was, “This show is so cute! We’re so clever! Aren’t we cute?”
CHRIS: Yeah, that’s kind of how the book is.
SEAN: So as for “42”, I like the Eccleston/Mickey thing, but I just don’t remember enough about the story.
JB: It had the lead woman who would probably be played by Helena Bonham Carter.
SEAN: Yes! That woman in “The Doctor’s Wife” was a dead wringer for her!
JB: And the episode would probably have an Amanda Palmer song in the middle of it.
CHRIS: Ugh!
SEAN: I don’t know what that means.
JB: Amanda Palmer is Neil Gaiman’s wife. She was in this group called “The Dresden Dolls”. She’s very outspoken. She’s kind of an attention whore.
CHRIS: She’s not terrible, though.
JB: She is a hell of an musician. I’ve seen her perform several times.
CHRIS: She has some good work, but, man, she gets annoying. She has a very extreme opinion on everything! There were some documentary specials around the 50th anniversary. There was one about monsters, one about villains. They all had different themes, and she appeared in some of them. It’s amusing, because in all of them she says, “Yeah, I don’t really watch Doctor Who.”
JB: (laughs)
CHRIS: Well, why the hell are you here?
SEAN: She is to Mark Gatiss as Neil Gaiman is to Steven Moffat.
JB: Oh, god, don’t give us this ACT shit!
SEAN: (laughs)
CHRIS: ACT shit?
JB: Oh, sorry. We had the ACTs. We didn’t do the SATs.
SEAN: Yeah, me too. Shall we do another? “We must have another game!”
JB: Yes. Let’s do one more. Okay this next one will be interesting because I just drew story number 157, and that’s “Rose”. But it’s going to be called something else by the time we’re done because it’s not going have fucking Rose in it. So who’s going to write this fucker? Oh, my god! It’s going to be written by Malcolm Hulke!
SEAN: I don’t recall that name.
JB: He’s the really political Doctor Who writer. He wrote “Invasion of the Dinosaurs” and “The Sea Devils”.
CHRIS: There’s going to be a heavy environmental bend to this one.
SEAN: Did he write “The Mutants”?
JB: No, that was Bob Baker and Dave Martin.
SEAN: Ohh, nice. Ohh, I’m impressed! What are you guys doing later?
JB: Oh, dear god. Okay, so we got John Hurt!
CHRIS & SEAN: Ohhhhh!
SEAN: You can put John Hurt in any story and it would be really cool. Even “The Sensorites”. Maybe not, but…
JB: So who’s going to be the titular companion? Who is this story going to actually be about? Because we can’t have Rose in it.
SEAN: (starts whispering “Adric” over and over)
JB: Oh, god. It’s….it’s Ben.
SEAN: Ben?!
CHRIS: Okay!
JB: So the War Doctor picks up a cockney sailor!
SEAN: I’m going to write my own private story about this after the podcast.
CHRIS: I’m sorry. I think Big Finish has done this.
SEAN: I’m going to call it “Arose”. So we got the same villains, right? We got the Autons?
JB: Yeah.
SEAN: I almost said Axons.
JB: So this is just after the events of “The Day of the Doctor”, only John Hurt did not regenerate. He just kept going.
SEAN: And so he meets Ben in London
JB: He was probably closing the bar at Club Inferno, or he got thrown out. And he got accosted by these plastic people.
CHRIS: No no. I want to see the iconic scene of the Doctor grabbing Ben’s hand and going, “RUN!” I mean we’ll redo it appropriately.
SEAN: Hold on. It is Malcolm Hulke, so maybe Ben is closing a gay bar. I know that he wasn’t gay, but I’m just saying …. It’s maybe what I want.
CHRIS: I think in all the off-canon stuff he’s usually married off to Polly.
JB: So Ben is closing up the gay bar. Closing up as in the sense of that he’s basically been there all night. He’s there for last call.
SEAN: If you’re there for last call, there ain’t much left. That’s like me being at the bar right now. I’d be there for last call. But, in real life, Ben would not be there for last call. But he’s there anyway because he’s trying to go the straight way.
JB: Because he’s furloughed. He’s land-locked for how many months it is.
SEAN: For some reason, when you said “furloughed”, my mind heard “Turlough”.
JB: It’s like, “You know, you remind me this other guy I used to travel with. Kind of a shifty guy.”
SEAN: “But skinny.”
JB: “You’re kinda skinny. How would you like to try on this boy’s school uniform?”
SEAN: No! No! The War Doctor isn’t gay! He’s just sorta grumpy. So there are mannequins in the gay club, and they’re wearing the gowns from last week’s “Project Runway”. They had a watch party there.
CHRIS: This is sounding pretty good.
SEAN: In a very eerie beginning, they come alive with these gowns on them in the dark club. They kill the bartender and the manager, and they’re going after Ben. And all of the sudden the door bangs open! “RUN!” I sounded like Christopher Lloyd in “Back to the Future”, but…
JB: MARTY!
SEAN: …he grabs Ben’s hand! “You gotta come with me! Hurry!” And…I got nothing else.
CHRIS: I like that. I would just add that at least one of the Project Runway mannequins is wearing a jumper because someone always does a fucking jumper.
SEAN: And Michael Kors is like, “It looks a little too Hawaiian Cruise-ish! No woman wants to make it look like there’s a vagina right in front of her!”
JB: Oh, dear god. So how does Malcolm Hulke fit in?
SEAN: That’s the gay thing.
CHRIS: I thought he was the environmental thing.
JB; He was ultra-left. Or was he? Cause in that story about the dinosaurs, he had the group who thought they were in space, and they were supposed to be this perfect socialist society. And they were like, “I don’t think you’re going to fit in with us here.”
SEAN: Wait a minute, I’ve got it! So, it’s not as contentious as the original “Rose” episode. The problem is that people are able to kill these Autons, but what do you do with them after they’re dead? Do you just put them in a landfill? Or should we just keep them alive because we don’t want plastic in a landfill?
(This elicits no response from JB or Chris)
SEAN: Crickets.
JB: Well, that really went out with a bang. “That’s what she said!”
SEAN: Someone’s listening to this is thinking, “That’s one too many ‘that’s what she saids’. I’m out!”
JB: Play the drinking game at home, folks.
CHRIS: You need to put in a little “ding” when one of those hits.
JB: No, I’m not going to be like the fucking Complete Menagerie podcast and do that! That’s too much fucking editing work!
CHRIS: (laughs) Sorry.
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